We Grilled Burgers on a Rooftop in Tenerife

Nothing on Earth screams “American” more loudly than the hamburger, or perhaps the backpacker on a silent train in Sweden. And nothing is less American than the word “hamburger”. That’s German obviously, meaning “a person from Hamburg”. Hopefully that’s not what the patty is made of. But what is a hamburger? It’s a sandwich. Nothing is less American than the word “sandwich”. That’s English obviously, meaning “Sandwich”, a place in England.

The legend is that the 4th Earl of Sandwich, nearly 300 years ago, liked eating food between slices of bread so his hands wouldn’t get dirty while he continued to gamble late into the night. This could not, however, work with a modern hamburger. If properly done, you should have at least two sauces, a patty, some veggies, and cheese. I prefer Cheddar, which is English obviously, meaning “Cheddar”, a place in England.

Hamburgers have lots of varieties

Different countries, as usual, have their own versions of burgers, and in my native country of the US, there are countless varieties as well. I’ll just focus on my own personal recipe, which we made last night here in Tenerife with what I believe are mostly local ingredients. Using “ground beef” (which is American obviously, meaning “minced beef” in English), Cheddar (see above), Romaine lettuce, ketchup, mustard, onions, tomatoes, and buns, I concocted what I will ignorantly brag are the best burgers on the island.

Since I’m American, I took the kilowhatever* of beef and divided it into six quarters of an eagle, and then grilled it at a temperature of around 200 degrees Celcius, or 472.4 charcoals Fahrenheit. If you don’t already know, the coals are hot enough when you can’t hold your hand over them for more than a second. And here’s my trick for the best patties: take an amount of meat a little smaller than your fist, ball it up, and then slap it all around to press in any creases that might appear.

*Here’s Katrin’s metric explanation: divide the meat into balls of approximately 200–300 grams each, and grill over good coals at 200 C.

The perfect burger patty

Once it’s a fairly solid ball of burger meat, start throwing it back and forth in your hands until even the remnants of any creases or folds are gone. Then slap it down on baking paper, and press it with the heel of your hand until it’s the desired width. It will shrink a bit on the grill, so keep this in mind when you look at the size of bun you’re going to use. I pinch the top circumference of the patty, add a healthy amount of salt and pepper, flip it over, and repeat: pinch, salt, pepper. You’re probably making multiple burgers, as very few people grill by themselves, so make each additional patty on an open portion of the baking paper. When you’re ready to head to the grill, cut out the baking paper between the patties, and you can make a nice, non-stick stack of hamburger patties that you can plop onto the grill with no fuss or mess.

Personally, I like to leave them on the grill just until the grill has left its mark on each side, meaning that ideally, the inside should be a bit rare, or red. Be careful though: a lot of countries add pork to their minced, ground meat to save on costs. If there is pork in your burger, clearly you should cook it all the way through or you’ll get food poisoning, in which case the American burger you just ate was actually red, white, and blew right out.

Have fun with your bun

The bun is very important. Most people like to use a boring and gigantic “hamburger bun” covered in sesame seeds. This is nothing more than bland white bread with zero nutritional value unless empty calories are important for you. If you can find sourdough buns, this is a great option, but here in Tenerife we found what were actually fairly good buns. I don’t know what they were made of however as Katrin, my other half, threw the package away, took the trash out, and called the garbage pickup service immediately, so it was impossible for me to root through the trash. Again.

Many “gourmet” burger restaurants tend to use buns that are impossibly thick, and then stack on so many toppings that you could easily dislocate your jaw attempting to get a single bite with all the ingredients. I’ll say this one time: consuming a burger should not result in bodily injury. A great alternative to finding acceptable buns is to forego the buns entirely, and just use a good loaf of bread whose slices would conveniently fit into a toaster. But don’t toast the bread…put it on the grill for a few seconds after removing the burger, so the toast can soak up some of the leftover moisture as it browns. This adds a great flavor to your meal!

Burger toppings create the perfect flavor combo

I like sautéing sliced onions for my burgers, but most people like raw, sliced onions. Pickles are for savages, so at some point Katrin will write a post about pickles, and I’ll go camping for a few days on the other side of the island. A slice of tomato, a leaf of lettuce, mustard, and ketchup, and you’re ready for the best traditional hamburger you can imagine. Katrin ruined hers with mayonnaise.

That’s basically it for how to grill a burger in Tenerife on a ten-euro budget. I’ll mention once again that condiments, such as mustard, ketchup, or fish sauce aren’t factored into the budget, as one bottle can be used for several recipes, several times. And as you can see in the image, I’m using a fork to flip the burgers. Why? I’ll give you a hint: I didn’t have anything else yet. Two buns up.

I have used vegetarian meat a couple times. When I’ve prepared it side by side with real meat, yes, I can taste a difference, but if you’re making only an “impossible burger”, the difference in taste will be negligible. That said, Katrin took an “impossible photo” of one of our burgers. Sunsets in Tenerife last about three minutes, and her timing was impeccable. I mean look at this photo, at the top of this post. It’s ridiculously good! It’s like she used AI to use AI, which in turn used AI to take this photo. This photo makes me want to be a better writer.

Hamburgers for four

ground beef (minced meat)

cheese (preferably Cheddar, which means a place in England)

onion 

tomato 

lettuce 

buns 

mustard 

ketchup

mayonnaise and pickles if you’re insane